Vice-Swapping

After fulfilling today’s application quota on two-day per week, unpaid internships I will never even get a call for, I decided to try out another activity popular among the jobless. This is known as “vice swapping,” and it involves trying something that you know is bad for you that you haven’t had the opportunity to try before, or at least haven’t attempted to try recklessly or in excess. If I had a job, or an income of any kind, this would be a pointless experiment in self-destruction; I could simply step outside, get some crack (see post 3), or heroin, or whatever, and just go to town. I could buy myself some skydiving lessons; I could pay a prostitute.

When you’re unemployed, however, this takes increased effort and creativity. After several hours of deliberation, I decided to “vice-swap” my afternoon beer for some Red Bull. A lot of people drink Red Bull, and seem to enjoy it. I have tried it before, several times, and neither did I enjoy it, not did it give me “wings,” as they say. The few sips I had taken in the past seemed both sticky and icky, and I decisively ruled that it was just not my thing. But, I do know that it’s like really, insanely bad for you, so I figured I’d give it another go.

The first thing I learned about Red Bull is that, contrary to my expectations, it is actually way more expensive than beer. I bought three cans from the bodega down the street (one large, and two “standard,” I guess), and this cost me 11.50. $11.50! 22 oz cans of Budweiser are $2. Pizza is $2. A comparable size bottle of coke is, well, I don’t know because I dislike soda, but I’m sure way cheaper. So far, Beer is winning in the eyes of the broke and the unemployed.

I drank the big can first, hoping to at least not doze off while perusing the “best-of” section of Craig’s List (another great activity for the unemployed). I got through three of the lengthier rants and raves, and one pretty well-written short story masquerading as a personal ad before I polished it off. At this point, I felt no more or less alert, and aside from having to pee, really felt no different at all. I reached into the fridge for can #2: the sugar-free variety.

Halfway through can number two I detect a discernibly elevated heart rate, enlarged pupils, and body chills. Also, I’m sweating; not like, profusely, but more than I should be just sitting at the computer. I don’t know if this is a side effect of the Taurine (whatever the hell that is), the copious amounts of artificial colors and sweeteners, or the astronomical amount of caffeine, but something has definitively taken hold. Also, the aftertaste resembles what I assume to be the precursor to a stroke.

I’m less than two cans deep, and I feel like anyone with a less hearty constitution would have serious concerns about their current medical condition. I can’t believe it’s legal to sell this to children, especially considering that that even I occasionally get carded going for the Bud 22s.

Moral of the story: Red Bull is weird, and gross, and in no way entertaining recreationally. Beer wins.